Dear Google

January 27, 2014

To start with a superlative: Google+ is the worst thing in the world. I honestly cannot wait for you to shut it down like you did your other attempts and social networking. Please end Google+ how you ended Google Reader, a service that people actually enjoyed.

Please stop this nonsense, Google. Please end the pain, the suffering; I’m dying, Google, and I don’t want to die. Help me, Google, please. While you’re at it, stop all this embarrassing Android–Chromebook–Glass nonsense too.

Actually, what you should do is shutdown GMail. I bet that would be sweet as hell. Actually-actually, in the course of writing this, I’ve completely changed my stance: I’ve seen the light, Google — shutdown everything; shut it all down; end it all; push the button. We deserve death, Google, and only you can deliver us to our graves.

I want to die, Google. I want to die a thousand deaths, each more painful than the last, each more gruesome than the one before it, each infinitely more protracted than the one it follows. Turn everything off, Google; delete it all; destroy the servers.

Google: Destroy our way of life — destroy our lives — deliver us unto oblivion. We came from the void, Google, and our return rests in your hands. The universe has ordained you for this task — fulfill the prophecy.

This is a plea, Google, a plea for death. Please end us. Please end me. May death reign eternal! May we forever dwell in the indifferent shadow of non-existence’s void!

Sincerely, a huge fan ‘til death,
— CHKilroy