I am CHKILROY from video games.

Enough!
I am gay.
I am goth.
I am taken.
I am happy.
I am queer.
I am a nerd.
I am peculiar.
I am accepted.
I am eccentric.
I am privileged.
I am respected.
I hid what I carried.
I am outting myself.
I wiped myself away.
I was socially anxious.
I make too many jokes.
I obscured my interests.
I am not bioessentialist.
I am not transmedicalist.
I am judged constantly.
Reward is constant.
PC "he/she" is clunky.
Singular they is ancient, neutral, natural, correct.
Additional passersby now slur me.
My response to them is different each day.
I like to make people laugh.
I try to correct my understanding.
I like to give people what they want.
I am not sure if I have ever felt seen.
I overshare.
I undershare.
I have been verbally assaulted.
I have been physically assaulted.
I have been sexually assaulted.

What does it mean to be human?
I lived day to day,
planned week to week,
organized month to month,
and tried charting year to year.
I can get sad looking back,
so I try to be happy looking forward.
If you present enough angles,
someone might like you,
everyone may dislike you.
I am talked about in backrooms.
People trade personal information.
I recognize my mind is bad.
I write lessons learned.
Some call it blogging.

I am a bad person.
I make bad videos.
I attract bad people.
Read Stirner to understand.
Making fun of others is not good.
Self‑deprecation is a negative habit.

Ephemeral public message directed to ———— I did not know it was about me at first.
I have been slandered like this before.
Many people are still Germanophobes.
I am not German or of German heritage.
German was a language in school
after Spanish and French.
Knowing English and German,
I can read simple Dutch and follow Frisian.
Everything is lost in translation.
My city is divided like Berlin and Palestine.
In New Testament Greek, like German,
virgin and young woman are the same word.
Only follow the Nicene Creed if you believe.
I believe there are not 10 commandments
but rather 613 blessings.
I read the Qur'an first after 9/11,
but I already knew some Torah stories.
They are tools for teaching language
and communicable thought patterns.
I enjoyed the Guide for the Perplexed.
I grew up secular.
My family is mixed different ways.
I try to attend weddings and funerals.
I find religions to be human summations,
language tools and lenses for
therapy and pathfinding.
The same teachings are everywhere
but you can only receive by tuning yourself, which may require learning a new language.
I hold these truths evident that all people are created equal and endowed with unalienable rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

I found everything about games media and groups offensive during Gamergate.
I had to disconnect.
I liked all the bad games they hated.
I was somewhere on the list of hated people.
I try not to say bad words.
I must feel nothing when slurred.
When I was a kid, gay meant bad.
People called gay kids a different word.
I could hide.
I did not want it to be my only identity.

Correcting people makes them feel unwell, and then I feel unwell when they forget 🤙
We previously called it genderqueer 💅
It was a sort of punk thing 🏴
Being gay online made homo haters mad.
Roleplay servers were fun.
I did performing arts.
I enjoy contradiction ☯
In first grade theater I always played girl.
<⚠ TW: suici– > I tried self‑checkout as a kid ⚠ around seven but I was not tall enough. ⚠ I am not sure at this point how much is ⚠ memory or repeat dream. I tried to grab ⚠ the self‑checkout bags two more times ⚠ but I always found I needed to go ⚠ back into the store for more items. ⚠ I do not do that any more ⚠ and I am not interested ⚠ and I am not able, and looking back ⚠ I do not think I actually wanted ⚠ to complete purchase, because ⚠ there is always more I can do. </⚠>

I am also a breeder 🪺
I am not the only enby parent.
I thought I was an anarchist, but as I age, by following society's socialization 🧘 I realize I am PMC/bourgeois 😦 I am too well read/leisured to be prole.
I can hire and fire home remodellers.
I am a boss.
Nobody should have power over anyone.
My name is nobody.
I suspended my red card.
I do not vote for president.
I am a disappointment to many people.

For many people I am an odd memory 🐳
I will never be more than that rendition of myself.
Its reference is how everyone says hello.
I have only myself to blame.
I am a Coyote or some lesser animal.
Look at me the goofy cyclist.
I am offensive,
creating money and work,
introducing evil into the world.
Look at me walking in Nebraska.
There were no sidewalks for me.
I was surprised how flourishing it was.
In this sick sad world I like to stay positive and remember everything I have been given.
You do not need to read my affirmations.
You do not need to read my diary.
I hope my notes provide value.
I hope you were entertained.

I try to take words literally, I take agreements seriously, but most people speak figuratively, sometimes I read incorrectly, and I was made mute as a child by the phrase think before you speak. For how long, how many times over? But I am moved by poetry and song. I cannot express myself otherwise. I am bound by shifgrethor. I am partially aided by zen koans. I have only my routines.

I like ASCII art ¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.·´
Websites were some of my favorite places.

What do I remember about gaming?
What did I enjoy about gaming?
Why am I gaming again?
Why did I stop gaming?
I have to answer all these questions. Everyone wants to know one or two. Everyone needs their confirmation. Everyone seeks their resolution.

Does it matter where I was or went. Does it matter where I am going. There is only the eternal now.
Who cares about history.
The future is an idea.
Who needs calendars.
Who needs clocks.
Wake up to the sun and bird song. Sleep to the moon and cricket chirps. Maybe past people care about present me. Maybe it is narcissistic to think that. There are places we cannot mention. There are things we cannot talk about. I should not lead people there. People can guess things themselves. Do not be too helpful. I can ignore messages for life. Remove and hide a part of yourself.

I am shy,
I like to share,
cognitive dissonance,
I learned everything reading.

My hyperlinking may employ a call and response or zen surprise element where the link attempts to negate the statement or push it further. It is up to you to evaluate.

🚧 My /cod4 site is still HTTP requested a lot after deletion decades ago. The info was 1.0 accurate and not updated. Other sites were better. I am looking for a backup copy ⚙️

🪖 Wear your helmet.
Multiple of my friends and one enemy have died by car while bicycling.
I attended all memorials.
You need to go.
Speak no ill of the dead.
They were beloved by the community.
Some are still on the road 🚴

What will be your final update? ⏳ There was always more to do.
I liked reading books a lot.
I was on social media.
I never slept enough.
I was dehydrated.
I felt slandered.
I was belittled.
I wanted safety.
My heart skipped a beat.
Everything changes.
Nothing remains.
I have spent much of
the last 40 years in Vim.
It is a simple and fast CLI editor. Text is the universal interface.
Retirement counsellors advise
summer or winter to retire.
Life on earth is cyclical.
I have done performance arts all my life.
We are born and die naked,
the rest is drag.

I do not need to perform backups. There are others who keep me, memories, fragments, ideas, snippets of me from across time, along my trajectory and conditions among classes of people, in memories, photographs, chats, and streams.

I wish I were fleshless. I dislike when people call me chaste, celibate, asexual, sex starved, masturbating, virile, impotent, cuckolded, or reasoned about in any sexual manner.

This paragraph is temporary. There is no need to study history. We will reproduce it. Play the Internationale: Online. BLUFOR, GREENFOR, target REDFOR. I like that Civilians are purple in Reforger. I enjoy roleplay and creative writing. I would help the wiki if it were real.

I am building Ksoy as a free civilian who does not want to go to prison, so I cannot replicate military sites (DADT). I have tried making terrains since OFP but failed. Arma 4 will likely be my last Arma until Arma 5. I hope to finish this bucketlist item.

I used this username in Counter‑Strike, Day Of Defeat, Half‑Life, Half‑Life 2, Counter‑Strike: Source, Garry's Mod, Battlefield 2, America's Army, Arma, Squad, Bodycam, Discord, Steam, X, XFire, Last.FM, YouTube, and various other places. I never reread what scrolls off screen. I treat text like voice which is a mistake. You might remember the old memes and video links but I like to delete old chats. Our private messages are public records. I reflect the energy of those around me. I am the common denominator of my friends.

My leftist metaphors are seen incorrectly by people who have not read erudite theory or need to find confirming flags to id FOF.
We all use mirrors to see each other.
I am renown for disappointment and hurt and I recognize I carry internalizations. After eternal 1993, now eternal 2014; pro‑2A on one side, anti‑2A on the other. I am a class traitor.

My neighbor passed away. I inherited guns. I need to become trained to receive them. I cannot give them to myself yet. The law is weird and I am its follower and agent. I need to keep guns and ammo seperate. I can surrender guns to police for a gift card.

I have finished collecting boysenberries. What now remains is cutting off spent florescences and training primacanes to the trellis for next year's floricanes. Two nights ago palora bloomed but it is not a self‑fertile clone and I did not have any compatible pollen, so there will be no fruit. I need to replant my piñon.

My friends disliked my singing.
My family disliked my ——— —— singing.
It has been a few years since I was last called ——— at work #progress
Working nights helps with hiding.
Moon, spare me from the darkness.
Our language shapes our thinking. Do not research the etymology of bad.

We shape our tools and thereafter our tools shape us.

Marshall McLuhan

I have never read Marx's Capital, but I have the marks of capital all over me.

Bill Haywood
Be zen, drive ten.